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Student protests fruit-strewn sidewalks

Behold ONU:  a small-town cornfield campus known for safety, Pharmacy, and all around good students and staff.  You may nod, reader, at the droll ordinariness of that statement.  But, assuming that you are either enrolled or employed at ONU, you probably feel some positive emotion toward our small, friendly campus.  I’ve come to inform you that that warm fuzzy feeling of security is under attack.  Also under attack is our supply of fruit.

Fruit, as you may know, is tasty, unassuming and friendly.  If an apple could talk, it would probably complement you on your lovely smile as you bit into its face.  Fruit is nice to us.  It gives us Vitamin C, which prevents scurvy.  Without Vitamin C, we would be dragging our swollen legs to class, hyperventilating and spitting out teeth.  Pirates are cool and all, but I don’t think anyone actually wants to get scurvy.  So, why is it that some ONU students have declared a war on fruit?

I don’t see any war on fruit, you might say. Au contraire.  The evidence is all around us.  The bodies of deceased apples, oranges, and bananas lie in plain view.  When there is not a 2-inch layer of ice on the sidewalk, it is strewn with the pulpy guts of fruits which have been bashed to death on the concrete.  The victims of these violent acts are completely defenseless.  They are literally unarmed.  

Why these atrocities against fruit occur, I do not know.  What I do know is that these episodes of fruit murder are no accident.  From my knowledge of Physics, I can deduce that apples do not explode on the ground unless force is applied to them.  The wounds sustained do not indicate that someone has merely stepped on them.  Being smashed is different than being spiked like a football. 

 I can only imagine the type of person who would do such a thing.  I don’t know the reason why he or she would do this, but it must end. 

Don’t even get me started on starving children in Africa.

Really, I just want to ask the perpetrators, Why? Does smashing an apple on the ground really make you look that cool? Does it really?  Maybe you need to reevaluate what “cool” means and come up with a better answer than ruining the sidewalk.  

In reality, I don’t expect many results from speaking to the fruit smashers.  They are an insignificant minority.  Most of the fruit is abandoned passively by sensible people.  Apples are bitten once, dropped, forgotten.  They are left to rot, to be gnawed on by squirrels and to gradually become eyesores.  

Those passive people are probably right in their thinking.  One apple doesn’t matter. However, it does start to matter when everyone gets that mentality.  Rotting remains pile up.  Eventually, our sidewalks and green spaces start to look like battlefields— Humans vs. Fruit, like a messy version of Plants vs. Zombies.  

But this isn’t just about making a mess of our walkways or fruit genocide, it’s about that friendly, respectful persona that ONU has cultivated.  Parents and prospective students visit campus all the time.  It would be a shame for their impression of our school to be dampened by the orange guts they have to scrape off of their shoes.  

So, to you fruit smashers and abandoners, take a little pride in the place you live.  And maybe, just maybe, eat the fruit you take from Mac.  The nightmares about hordes of oranges taking revenge on you will probably stop.  And that scurvy you have will clear up, too.

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